As of late I’ve been experiencing near crushing amounts of frustration. So much so that I want to shake something. Funny thing, though, that through that frustration I have a general peace about myself.
See, my “normal” mode of operating is to express my frustration in some sort of self-destructive behavior. It could be drinking, it could me smoking a big ol’ fatty, it could be doing both, it could be closing my bedroom door and playing the guitar and ignoring everything else … the underlying theme in any of those scenarios is the distinct centricity of self — selfishness, to put it plainly.
Or, escapism.
Now, however, I feel a sense of peace in the middle of that frustration — at the core. Like the central core of a rope of frustration wound around and braided. That’s not to say that it’s “Ok”, ’cause it’s not. Man, oh man, it’s not. But, I’m able to deal with it. You know? I don’t have a need to go out and get hammered because of it. I don’t have a need to assign blame on anyone or anything. Nonetheless, I still feel like shaking something or someone.
The thing is this. I feel in my gut, in the remotest places of my soul, in the very fiber of my being that I am supposed to be doing this thing — writing and performing music. It’s this profound pull that I have no control over. None. I’ve prayed for God to remove it several times; but, there it remains. I heard Joel Olsteen say a couple of weeks ago that God places the desires in your heart (Ps. 37:4). And you know those desires are His because they won’t go away. “Um … oookkkkaaayyyy….” Got that part down, dude. My brother Gerardo once commented that I’d taken this music thing to heart. I didn’t know what that meant. I still don’t, if you want to know the truth. I didn’t choose this thing. Can you feel me? I don’t even want this sometimes, dude. I. Don’t. Have. A. Choice!
So then, that being the case, plus this being what God wove me and assembled my many confusing and sometimes conflicting parts to do, and since He’s gifted me to play like no one else (as people say to me whenever I play) then why, oh why, won’t it happen? Why?? Sometimes I’m utterly amazed at that conundrum. Oh, there’s the physical frustrations. Like not having any money to record my new demos, or Cd, conflicts of schedule with the band or family, or shortfalls of cash flow for rehearsal space … that’s all just life. I’m a big boy. I know to expect these things.
What I’m talking about here is the constant, seemingly unending obstible after obsticle, week after week, month after month. It’s been almost two years now since we gigged with any frequency. It’s enough to wear a guy down. I can hear you now, grumbling, “Suck it up, dude. Welcome to the real world.” I agree. Only, remember, this is something that I feel in the pit of my spirit that God wants me to do. I feel it my duty to live a life of obedience despite my wanting, or not wanting, this life.
If it’s not promoters not calling back it’s not having money, if it’s not schedule conflicts with the band it’s not being able to write because I’m changing diapers. There’s always something that has to be done first in order to get to the next step. It’s like those nightmares where you’re running down the hall and every step you take the hall gets longer and longer and farther and farther away. I’m swimming against the stream here.
And what about all that “He’ll make your paths straight” business (Pr 3:6)? What about that?
Let’s cool the jets a bit because I’m starting to get hot under the collar again.
Here’s the deal. Inspite all of that, I still believe. I trust the Lord’s will to be perfect and just. It’s not about me after all. It’s about the ability to hang in there and live it, man — it’s about the long burn. This comes from the perpective that left up to my own devices, I’ll wreck it every single time. Without fail, I’ll wreck my life every single time. That is to say, I don’t really know why all this is going on. I wish I knew, but, that’ s not important. What’s important is that I trust Jesus explicitly and to the point of walking, blindly, into this career and knowing this is what He has for me to do. Somehow, this is serving his will and purpose. A will and purpose that is infinitely wiser and smarter and fairer than my own. How ’bout that? Can you dig that? Still think it’s a piece of cake to walk a Christian life? I’ve got marching orders — and I have to go because I love the person who’s telling me where to go. Absolutely.
